SOCIAL SUCCESS AT SCHOOL AGE
With every change comes a set of new challenges. Travelling to a new country, changing home and neighborhood or getting a new job, can get hard and overwhelming. For kids, things are just similar. They experience most of our challenges too, and they really need a trustful toolbox to get through them.
Whether it was a new house, a new school, returning to school, or travelling back home, it all involves getting to meet new people, making new friends or reconnecting with old friends and peers. Do you think it’s an easy part of the transition? Well, it depends.
We are all born to socialize, but social success requires specific skills and efforts; as Fred Rogers, an American television personality said, "One of life’s greatest joys is the comfortable give and take of a good friendship. It’s a wonderful feeling not only to have a friend, but to know how to be a friend yourself.
So, what does it really take to be a good friend? When to start learning these skills? And how can kids apply them in their social circles in order to make successful relationships and enjoy all the joy behind it?
The role of the family.
Let’s start by saying that family is the first social circle for the child. This is where, and with whom kids start to learn social skills, and apply them with their parents and siblings. Saying this, we can get to the point that parents are fundamental contributors to their child’s social success. In a recent study tracking young children over a period of many years, Ruth Feldman and her colleagues found that parents who showed high levels of reciprocity in their communication with children had kids who developed more social competence and better negotiation skills over time (Feldman et al 2013).
According to Ladd, Lesieur, and Profilet (1993), parents may directly influence young children’s peer relations in four ways: first, they integrate their child into social environments outside the home. Second, they help their child select play-mates and arrange play dates. Third, they supervise interactions with peers; fourth, they help their child solve interpersonal problems.
What does it take to have friends?
Communication is a key factor in any relationship. Some of the main social skills required are: taking turns, helping others, sharing materials, asking for help, participating, saying kind things, celebrating success, sharing ideas, following directions, accepting differences, communicating clearly, waiting patiently, active listening… Moreover, studies have shown that popular kids are good at interpersonal skills too, like: empathy, perspective-taking, and moral reasoning (Slaughter et al 2002; Dekovic and Gerris 1994).
How to put all of this into action?
It takes practice to learn how to be a good friend; practice at being kind, supportive, trustworthy, and a good listener.
Below are tips related to two out of different aspects of friendship.
Making Conversations: In their book, Children's Friendship Training, Fred Frankel and Robert Myatt argue that kids need to practice the art of “trading information." Tips to pass onto kids include:
- When starting a conversation with someone new, trade information about your “likes" and “dislikes."
- When engaged in conversation, only answer the question at hand. Then give your partner a chance to talk, or ask a question of your own.
- Don’t be an interviewer. Don’t just ask questions. Offer information about yourself.
Frankel and Myatt further suggest that kids practice their conversational skills by making phone calls to each other.
Play dates: Several studies suggest that kids get along better when they are engaged in cooperative activities—i.e., activities in which kids work toward a common goal (Roseth et al 2008). This is true in the classroom, and it’s also true when kids play.
As a parent you can insure the success of the play date by following these tips:
- Steer kids away from competitive games, at least until kids develop better social skills, and put your child’s special toys away when friends come over.
- Give your child and his friend(s) game options and let them decide on something together.
- Stay close and keep an eye on what’s going on: that helps your child feel secure and gives you the opportunity of step in on the right time.
- Set a time limit for the playdate, and let it be before they get tired.
Children who succeed in making friends become more independent, learn how to actively solve problems and they are less likely to have social and emotional difficulties later in life. As a parent, your role would be to help them make the best out of this experience.